


Jesus Loves you

by JiniZ



Category: Christian Bible (New Testament), Original Work
Genre: All Aboard, Blasphemy, First Time, Multi, Wedding Night, author is going to hell, crazy light bulb church, engagement photo shoot, jesus likes to watch, they look like they're changing light bulbs, you know when they put their hands in the air
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 12:31:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11253240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JiniZ/pseuds/JiniZ
Summary: True Story: A couple hired a guy to play Jesus for their engagement photos.But what if Jesus kept hanging around?





	Jesus Loves you

 

“This is such a great idea, Sharon.” He takes her hand and kisses it.

Todd and his bride-to-be, Sharon, walk through the woods, a photographer in tow to capture their love and excitement for their engagement photos.

“Just wait,” she says. “There’s more.”

“Really?” He can’t imagine what else she has in store.

When Todd met Sharon at Our Lady of the First Original Gospel Saint of Our Rock Living Waters Holy Ghost Hebrew Pentecostal Christ Church of the Redeemer of Our Everlasting Lord King Jesus Tabernacle Hall of Bethlehem, or OLFOGSORLWGHHPCCROELKJTHB for short, just three days ago, he’d know that she was the one for him.

God had told him so.

Well, maybe it was his dick, but that’s neither here nor there.

With her long brown hair and soulful eyes combined with the jumper and tights of a twelve year old, not to mention the way she lifted her arms high to praise Jesus during worship, pulling her jumper up and showing off the backs of her knees like a succubus, Todd had to have her.

And knowing that the only way to have her would be to marry her, he’d introduced himself and proposed to her right after Sunday service.

Of course, she accepted.

He’d never been happier.

“Oi! This the spot?” the photographer, a gruff, older man from the congregation called to them.

“Yes!” Sharon gushed. “This is it.”

The photographer sets down his bag and begins setting up his equipment.

Todd looks around, confused. “What’s so special about this place?” He doesn’t notice the bearded man dressed in what looks like a white sheet emerge from the foliage.

“I am, Todd.”

“Jesus Christ!”

“Yes.”

Sharon looks between the two men. “Todd, Jesus. Jesus, this is Todd. The one I told you about.”

She hired a guy to play Jesus for their photo shoot? _Okay,_ he thinks. If it’ll make her happy, he’ll go along with it. He looks over at the photographer who squints at the three of them and shrugs.

“Nice to meet you, Todd.” Jesus sticks out his hand in greeting.

Todd takes the offered hand. “You too. I wish I’d’ve know you were coming. This is quite a surprise, Sharon.”

“That’s my fault,” Jesus says, holding up his hands in surrender. “I offered just this morning. It was a spur of the moment thing.”

Todd thinks this is a little weird, but Sharon is worth it, so he’ll go along with it.

“I’m ready,” the photographer says. “You ready?”

“You ready, Sharon?” Todd asks.

“I’m ready. Jesus?”

“Let’s do this!” Jesus strikes a pose on a rock.

**~oOo~**

The pictures, of course, had come out beautifully. It was as if Jesus had been right there with them, giving his blessing to their union.

The following Sunday, Todd and Sharon were married after the praise and worship portion of the service. Their ceremony short so the Right Reverend Rudy Rothchild could continue preaching on the sanctity of marriage.

Todd noticed Jesus in the back of the congregation and wondered what he was doing there.

After the service, there was a potluck to celebrate Todd and Sharon. Mary McGillicutty made her county-famous non-bourbon bourbon balls, Cecily Jones dusted off her grandmother’s [ Lime Cheese Jell-O mould recipe ](https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-02/enhanced/webdr05/13/16/original-28106-1392326927-4.jpg?downsize=715:*&output-format=auto&output-quality=auto), while Jan Jenkins, that bitch no one likes, just stood behind the table of food pointing out how she could have done much better.

Brendan Smith manned the grill for burgers and dogs while his wife, Missy, a member of the church’s dance team, lead the group in an impromptu praise session. The cake wasn’t a cake at all - it was three tiers of Rice Krispy treats molded to look [ like a cake ](http://apis.xogrp.com/media-api/images/8f524c22-d4ae-47a6-93eb-155de20f65d5~rs_768.h?quality=75). It was pretty ingenious considering Shelley Gordon only had two days to come up with a dessert.

All in all, it was a lovely afternoon. They had partaken in the sacrament, offered up a confessional instead of a photo booth, and little Timmy Barnes was even baptized by the hose in back of the churchyard.  

Todd hardly noticed Jesus at all. Just caught glances of him as he floated around the party nodding and smiling, never stopping to actually talk to anyone. Each time Todd spotted Jesus, he shrugged off an uneasy feeling and turned back to Sharon.

Later that night, when they arrive at Todd’s home - Sharon has yet to officially move in as cohabitation is frowned upon in OLFOGSORLWGHHPCCROELKJTHB’s congregation - he picks Sharon up and carries her over the threshold as all proper brides should be.

“Welcome, Missus, to your new home.”

“Thank you, Mister.”

Todd sets Sharon down and turns to close the door. He can’t, however, because Jesus is there. Todd jumps at the sight of him. “You scared me, man.”

“Forgive me, Todd. I shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that.”

“Something we can do for you?”

Sharon steps in front of her new husband. “Of course. Come in, Jesus. Please. Welcome.”

“Thank you, Sharon.” Jesus takes one more step crossing fully into the house. He’s polite and closes the door behind him. “Thank you for letting me into your hearts.” He looks around the room. “And your home.”

“Of course. Anything for you, Jesus,” Sharon says.

There is an awkward silence the settles in between them.

“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” Jesus asks.

Sharon throws out a couple of “no’s” while Todd says “Well, actually….” as he tosses his head in the direction of Sharon. He sincerely hopes Jesus takes the hit and isn’t a cockblock.

“Oh! Right. Right. It’s your wedding night.” He claps his hands together. “Don’t let me stop you.”

“Yes,” Todd says. “If you’ll excuse us…”

“Do you want to join us, Jesus?” Sharon asks.

“Sharon!” Todd is scandalized. His wife is asking another man to join them. He doesn’t care if it _is_ their lord and saviour.

“Oh, I couldn’t possibly,” Jesus says.

“Don’t be silly,” Sharon reassures him. “Come this way.”

Todd stares in awe as Sharon takes Jesus’s hand and leads him down the hall to their bedroom. Jesus is here. In his house. Cool. But, this is _their_ wedding night, he grouses. His and Sharon’s. Not his and Jesus’s or Sharon’s and Jesus’s. Todd’s and Sharon’s. Jesus doesn’t belong here.

He follows them down the hall and into the bedroom. Sharon leads Jesus to sit in the corner chair and kneels at his feet. “Is this okay?” she asks him.

“It is fine, my child.” He lays a hand on her head. “You may proceed.”

_Proceed? Proceed with what?_

Sharon stands and turns to Todd. “You may proceed,” she tells him.

“With what?” He is thoroughly confused. If she thinks that he’s going to … _have_ … her while Jesus is _right there_ in the corner, she’s got another thing coming.

“You may take me now, Todd.” Her dress is a simple faux-wrap, no zippers or buttons, so she reaches to her shoulder and begins to slide stretchy material down. Todd rushes to stop her.

“No wait a minute,” he says as he guides her hand and dress back into place.

“Is something wrong, my son?” Jesus asks.

Todd huffs out a nervous laugh. “No, offense, Jesus, but you’re not supposed to be here.”

“Oh, Todd.” Sharon looks at him with a pitying gaze. “You don’t understand, do you?”

“Understand what?”

“That I am always here, Todd. I am always with you.” Jesus stands and places a comforting hand on Todd’s arm.

Todd watches as Jesus places his hand on his arm. “Yeah. In spirit.” He looks to Sharon. “Right?”

“And in the flesh,” Jesus says. His eyes dart down to Todd’s pants.

“But you’re just an actor that Sharon hired to watch over us during our shoot, right? Right?” His voice steadily rises. He can hear himself getting a touch hysterical. “It’s one man, one woman for life.”

“Old Testament, schmold testament,” Jesus says. “That fire and brimstone stuff is for the birds. I’m here to watch over you.”

Todd turns to Sharon shaking Jesus’s hand free of his arm in the process. “You’re okay with this?”

“Yes,” she replies demurely.

“You’re okay with him watching us make love?”

“He may have some pointers,” she says. “We’re both virgins, and I’m certain Jesus has seen it all.”

This is it. This is how he dies. Todd is certain he’s having an aneurysm. His new bride wants to make love while there’s someone else in the room with them.

“Well,” Jesus says. “I could offer some advice along the way. I have been around the block a few times.”

“I -”

“Unless you _want_ me to join you,” Jesus says as if he were inviting himself to accompany them to a movie.

“Oh, would you?” Sharon squeals. She springs over to Jesus and grips his arm tightly. “We’d be grateful if you would. Wouldn’t we, Todd?”

“I -” He can’t get out anything more than that. There are both a million things and one singular thing swirling in his brain.

“I don’t want to impose,” Jesus says. “I don’t mind watching.” He indicates the chair he occupied a few minutes ago.

“Nonsense,” Sharon says. “We wouldn’t dream of it. Would we, Todd?”

“I -”

“I can see that my presence is making Todd uncomfortable. Maybe he’s not ready to accept me yet.” Jesus looks at his sandals sadly.

“Todd!” Sharon hisses. “You’re upsetting Jesus. Tell him it’s okay that he join us.” When he only stares dumbly at her, she continues. “You tell him it’s okay this instant or...or I’m asking for an annulment!” She stomps her foot for dramatic effect.

It’s the stomp that shakes Todd out of his stupor. And it gets him angry. “Fine. You want to do this? We’re doing this!” He unbuckles his belt and yanks it out of the pants loops with one fluid motion and throws it on the floor. He toes off his shoes and unfastens his pants, shoving them to his ankles.

“Todd!” Sharon yelps. “What are you doing?”

“You want Jesus to join in, right? Well, I’m just getting the party started.” He frantically unbuttons his shirt, forgetting to take off his tie first. That’s just fine. He’ll leave the tie on then. He awkwardly attempts to step out of his pants, but he’s not quite coordinated enough to do it.

“Here. Let me.” Jesus kneels before him. He motions to Todd to lift up first one foot and then the other so he can get out of his khakis. Once they’re off, Jesus taps his ankles and Todd lifts his feet again as Jesus takes off each sock.

Then Jesus leans forward and kisses his feet.

He probably should’ve know Jesus would have a foot fetish, having washed his disciples’ feet. Todd wonders if since that act was meant to be a show of humility if Jesus is a sub. Or a bottom.

“Yes,” Jesus answers. “And before you ask, no, you didn’t say that out loud. I know your heart, Todd.”

“Jesus,” Todd says. He means it more of a _son of a bitch_ or an _I’m in awe_ but Jesus, being Jesus, answers him again.

“Yes?”

“I didn’t - nevermind.” Todd turns to Sharon who smiles brightly at the two men before her.

“Are you ready, Todd?” she asks. He nods and she slides the shoulder of her dress down.

Todd stands in the middle of his bedroom, on his wedding night, pantsless with his oxford still on, but hanging off his wrists, tie still tied at his neck. His tighty whiteys feel incredibly small on his body, though they never have before. He watches Sharon undress. Jesus begins kissing up his leg.

“What the -?”

“Shhhh,” Jesus says inching his way up.

“Oh Todd,” Sharon says. “Isn’t it wonderful? We have Jesus in our lives, in our hearts, and in our bed.” Her dress falls to the floor and she is left standing in only a pair of white lace panties and pumps. She steps out of the circle of fabric at her feet.

“You’re not wearing a bra,” Todd says dumbly. Jesus turns around to look at her. She blushes a little, her nipples hardening in the cool of the room.

“Come, Sharon,” Jesus says  holding out his hand to her. She takes it and stands next to her husband. Todd places an arm around her waist, pulls her to him and kisses her.

Sharon falls into the kiss easily. She may be a virgin, but Todd would put money on her having had several heavy petting sessions before they met. His hand cups one of her small breasts and she gasps at the touch.

Jesus, meanwhile, alternates kisses on their thighs. Just when Todd is sure he’s going to go higher, Jesus backs off and kisses down the thigh again.

Todd pulls Sharon closer and the two stand together, bodies pressed up against each other while they continue to kiss. Todd places a hand on Jesus’s head. He’s not sure why he does it, maybe to reassure him that he’s fine with how things are progressing?

Sharon suddenly pulls away from Todd. There’s a look of determination in her eyes as she tears her gaze from him and turns to Jesus. She kneels again and Todd takes note that she seems to like being on her knees. “Kiss me, Jesus,” she says breathily.

“As you wish,” Jesus says. He kisses her chastely.

“Not like that,” she pouts. “Ravish me.”

And he does. Todd stares at Jesus and his wife kissing passionately, running fingers through her hair, kissing her neck and earlobe. When they pull apart, the tent in Jesus’ robe is quite impressive.

“Wow!” Sharon exclaims. “Todd, you’ve got to try this!” She takes his hand and tugs, trying to pull him to the floor with them.

“Try what?” he asks, only a slight panic to his voice.

“Kissing Jesus, silly,” she says as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. She yanks on his arm and Todd stumbles, dropping to his knees. The three form a nice triangle.

“This isn’t -” Todd stops, wondering what to say so as not to offend the King of Kings.

“Quite what you had in mind for your wedding night?” Jesus finishes for him. “I get that.”

“Well, no,” Todd says. “And since when is Jesus gay?”

Jesus sighs. “Bisexual. Why is it so difficult to say that word? I told Dad that his wording on Adam AND Eve was too ambiguous.”

“Too ambiguous?” Todd snorts. He can hardly believe what he’s hearing.

“See Todd?” Sharon says. “Jesus loves us.”

“I do.” Jesus places a hand at the back of Todd’s neck and pulls him closer.

Todd, for his part, none of the voices in his head are very helpful. They say things like _I can’t_ and _Jesus Christ!_ the expletive, not the man in front of him. His most interesting thought, however, is _Why not?_

And so he does.

Todd’s lips are millimeters away from Jesus’s. Their breath mingles for a moment and Todd gets the feeling that Jesus is waiting for him to make the final move. He remembers their pastor’s sermon about showing someone the path but they have to take it of their own accord.

“Fuck it.” Todd closes the gap between their lips and the two men kiss. It’s chaste and nice and a little ticklish because of the beard, but Todd rather enjoys it. He parts his lips and allows Jesus’s tongue to slip inside.

The muscular organs tangling together, the papillae finding their opposite in the other’s mouth.

They pull apart and Todd just stares. He can’t do anything else at the moment. He fucking kissed Jesus.

Jesus turns to Sharon who is breathing heavily. “‘May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine,’” he says quoting the Song of Songs as he cups her breast. “Divine,” he says.

Todd palms his dick, his erection throbbing. He had no idea his wedding night would involve a threesome. Does this mean he married Jesus, too? Or is he like their boyfriend? _Hi, I’m Todd, this is my wife, Sharon, and our boyfriend, Jesus Christ._

He watches his wife and Jesus stare into each other’s eyes with love and affection. Sharon sways on her knees, obviously enthralled by the Son of God. And really, who wouldn’t be? The man is like a hipster coffee shop barista with his shoulder-length wavy brown hair and just enough scruff to make any woman tremble. Not to mention many men.

“Now,” Jesus says. “This is your night. I am not here to imbibe. I am here to oversee.” He cups Sharon’s cheek, takes hold of his tunic and stands. They watch as he positions himself at the end of their bed.

“You’re saying you -” Todd can’t believe he’s about to finish this sentence - “like to...watch?”

“My child, I am always watching you.” Coming out of anyone else’s mouth, that would have sounded stalkery. Jesus manages to make it sound _right._ “But yes. I enjoy it.”

Sharon pouts just a little. “Jesus?” she asks. “Will you touch me?” She bows her head, her cheeks turning crimson. “What I mean is, will you touch my arm or leg while I am... _with_ Todd? For comfort, I mean.”

“Of course. Now come. The both of you.” Jesus pats the bed for encouragement.

Todd stands first and offers his hand to Sharon. She sits on the edge of the bed and swings her legs up. She lays down and scoots toward the center of the bed, albeit somewhat stiffly.

“Those need to come off,” Jesus says pointing to her panties.

“Yes, Jesus.” She pick her butt up and slides the panties down her legs. Jesus removes them from her ankles, laying them gently on the bed next to him.

Todd doesn’t wait to be told. He quickly strips his underwear off, stepping out of them unceremoniously. His erection has waned a bit, so he takes his shaft in hand and strokes himself to full hardness.

He opens the nightstand drawer and pulls out a box of condoms. Opening the box is a bit of a challenge, but he manages. He rips open the foil and is about to put the condom on when a voice says, “Let me.”

It’s Jesus. He holds his hand out for the rubber and Todd places it in his palm. Jesus pulls on the tie Todd still wears, tugging him down for a kiss. While Todd is distracted and with quick, sure movements, Jesus rolls the latex over Todd’s cock, never pausing, never wavering.

“You’re good at that,” Todd says. How the hell would Jesus know how to roll on a raincoat, he has no idea, but he’s not complaining.

“I’ve had practice,” Jesus says. He winks at Todd.

 _Jesus is cheeky, too. Huh._ Todd grips the base of the condom and crawls into bed with his wife. Sharon opens her legs, drawing up her knees.

Todd has never seen a vagina up close and personal. Or at all, really, except for his A&P textbook in college. The diagrams look nothing like what is in front of him. There’s more hair than a textbook diagram. “Are you ready?” he asks Sharon.

She nods and Todd covers her body with his. His dick is still in his hand holding the base of the rubber. He moves forward, the tip of his cock at her entrance. The condom is lubed and her folds appear to be wet from natural causes, so he rubs the head up and down her opening, testing the waters, so to speak.

“Jesus,” she says. “Touch me, please.”

Jesus scoots up to the head of the bed and lays down next to them. He props his head up on his hand and he caresses her arm lightly. “Is this okay?” he asks.

“Perfect.”

Feeling that she is relaxed enough, Todd pushes into Sharon slowly. She gasps but assures him it’s okay and to keep going, so he does. He pushes into her while Jesus leans forward and kisses her.

When they part, Todd sees there is a long tendril of saliva connecting them. He lowers himself a bit more and he kisses Sharon first, then Jesus, and suddenly they’re all kissing, licking, and nipping at each other.

Todd begins to thrust into his wife, slowly at first, but he quickly picks up the pace when he hears Sharon’s breathing get heavier, breathier.

“‘And the two shall become one flesh,’” Jesus says. Todd also notices that Jesus’s breathing is a bit erratic.

“Oh, Todd,” Sharon says. “Please. More. I’ve waited so long.” Her hands find their way to his ass, pulling him closer.

“Yes, Sharon. YES!” Todd feels his balls tightening and he knows he’s close to the edge. “How close are you, Sharon?” he asks.

“Just...a bit...more.” And suddenly she cries out in ecstasy.

Todd feels her muscles clench in orgasm and he follows right behind her making a spectacular O-face, filling the condom inside her.

Ever the gentlemen, Todd doesn’t flop down on top of her, but gently rolls off to the opposite side of her from Jesus. He takes off the condom, ties a knot in it and disposes of it in the wastebin next to the bed.

“What about you?” Sharon asks of Jesus. “Are you okay?”

Jesus smiles and points to the wet patch on the front of his tunic. “My Kingdom come,” he says.

Sharon giggles and Todd snorts a laugh. He places his hand on Sharon’s belly. Jesus covers his hand with one of his, and Sharon lays hers on top of theirs. Three peas in a pod.

Todd feels sleepy. He did just have an orgasm, after all. Sharon’s eyes droop a little as well. Jesus extricates his hand and says, “I must be going.”

“So soon?” Sharon asks, propping herself on her elbows. “You just came.” The double meaning isn’t lost on Todd.

“I’m afraid I must. I’ve got a Bar Mitzvah at 5:30 and I really need to get changed.” He indicates his tunic.

“Bar Mitzvah?” Todd asks. “What do you mean?”

Jesus carefully pulls off the wig he’s wearing, revealing short, sandy blonde hair. “Yeah, the Horowitz’s down the block hired me to be a Neil Diamond impersonator, but what 13 year old kid has even _heard_ of Neil Diamond, I don’t know. The pay is excellent, though.”

“You’re not really Jesus?” Todd asks incredulously.

Jesus sits back down on the bed and stares into Todd’s eyes. “Of course I am, Todd. I go by many names in many different cultures. Jesus, Elohim, Jehovah, Allah, Krishna. I am whatever you need me to be. Except for Tuesdays and Thursdays when I’m Chase Masterson down at The Cockpit.”

“Oooh! Can we go?” Sharon asks. “I’d love to see Jesus strip for me.”

“Sharon, for you, the first lap dance is on me.” Jesus winks cheekily at her and chuck her on the chin. “I’m glad your wedding night was a success.”

And just like that, Jesus is gone, leaving Todd with so many questions. Maybe he can ask Jesus Tuesday night while he grinds on Sharon.

**Author's Note:**

> Yup. It's official. I'm driving the train into hell. Come join me!


End file.
